I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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