I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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