FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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