what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
this beer tastes like vomit already
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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