Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
