I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
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