I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
