my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
