She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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