i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
