I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
