I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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