Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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