I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Drake has all the answers
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
