I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
do nipples grow back?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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