I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I use my feet as sexual weapons
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
