Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
