Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Randomize
