My first STD was from a foam party
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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