Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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