um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
