Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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