Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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