in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Someone came in the potted fern
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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