Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
