Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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