i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
