are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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