Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
