i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
she told me i tasted like america
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
