drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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