I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
