so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
