if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
