I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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