I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
