I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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