she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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