So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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