I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants