You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex