I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
