im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
True strength comes from lack of pants
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
