Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
