Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
