First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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