i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
