So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
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