adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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