Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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