Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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