Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
