listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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