Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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