I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
