There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize
