The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
