I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
