So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
