Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
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Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
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God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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