Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
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We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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